fear and loathing

I've let go of my anger. The pain is still there sometimes. It's like when you have a surgery. The wound can heal, but there still might be a scar, and because the muscle, tendon, veins... All of this underneath has been augmented... It can still hurt as it continues to heal, or if you move yourself or don't move yourself, or if you lift something that's too heavy. Fear and loathing, while once an evolutionary advantage, have become vestigial for me and useless if not harmful. I've replaced these feelings with feelings of resilience and compassion. Compassion even if I can only muster it for myself. Self-love. I masturbate. I shower. I eat something. I shower. I clean up my surroundings. I read. I study. I watch a movie. I sleep when I can and try not to sleep too much. I don't smoke, I like the unknown substance in my vape. I don't score or do illicit substances right now. That's the sort of thing you do in a safe situation with someone you trust if you're going to benefit from it at all. Anything that will serve me at this point I can buy over the counter or get with a prescription. So I stead of crystal meth I got a cheap copy of The Wonderful Wizard of Oz (I'm reading all of the Oz books right now for the first time, about to finish the second one and this is the first one I've actually owned) and some crayons. I'm going to color the pictures, finish The Marvelous Land of Oz (I do prefer the physical copy I've borrowed from the library to the digital version I started with... Although in each version words still change for me as I read them), watch an anime, have some cookies and almond milk, and look forward to tomorrow when I can get back to class and finish the hiring process for my new job.