Gutter Flowers

I haven't been writing much lately because my living arrangement have changed. Unfortunately my health deteriorated and I had to withdraw from the summer semester leaving me with quite a large debt to the school... so large, in fact, that I couldn't afford to go on living on campus. In order not to be a burden to anyone and to keep my troubles to myself... and to still be in a secure location... I've moved into the city mission. There really is a shame I feel that goes along with this. Fuck shame. It's not for me. I've got a cure for shame. Do not live in the shadows. Walk in the light. So I will continue to write. I've been keeping a private bl9g that I might publish.

One of the staff felt the need to call me a faggot after I complained that someone else had been sexually harassing me. He also felt the need to disclose my sexual orientation to every single resident and staff member so that they could have the option to discriminate, harass, or threaten my life if they so choose. Which they do. I've had death threats, bullying every day. One gentleman even touched a bullet to my head when my back was turned. I've become cold toward everyone here. And quick witted with my meanness. While the whole thing really is terrible, each and every time the offending party walks away quiet and visibly embarrassed. The saddest part is that all of these men are constantly insanely high and severely disabled or so old they can barely move. It's like telling off children that can't quite understand the severity of their actions or even keep up with the conversation. This is the safest shelter in town. If you don't want to deal with the meat heads you land here. I get very little satisfaction from all of this. If I can't be treated with respect or indifference at the very least I want to be left alone. It's working well so far.

I'm so fucking soberish it's not funny. I've been sober most of the time. I will get a legal THC vape that you can buy over the counter when I can. I'll do THC and THC like products my entire life. I also take skullcap and valerian root. But no meth, no coke, no opiates. No mushrooms, no ecstacy. These are things I think about all the time and are so easy for me to get for free. You see... drugs only cost money if you're not attractive. But I also want to feel safe. I need to survive this, and in order to do so I need to keep my wits about me and keep myself to myself since I can't surround myself with those I trust because of the stigma.

I'm exercising almost every day. I run. Two miles each morning it doesn't rain, followed by a swim, a soak in the hot tub, and then I sit for a while in the steam room. I eat three meals, I rarely snack. I go to all of my appointments and I take my medicine as prescribed. I'm also now on prep, which I feel very excited about even though I'm not fucking anyone. I just came back negative for everything you can get tested for. Since I'm getting my life back after spending the last two years as a party boy alongside my buddy Muskrat, I've decided that I need to keep myself pure for the next person I fall in love with. While I feel a need for privacy, my sense of self worth has gone through the roof. It's not easy to come back from where I've been, and I'm doing it just about perfectly and with almost no effort. The cravings come heavy and fast... but if I just sit tight they go almost as quickly. I masturbate a lot... usually 4 to 6 times each day. I'm reading a lot. Dracula, Of Mice and Men, Dream of the Red Chamber, I'm on what I think is the fifth Oz book, of course the occasional Manga. 

I am so painfully lonely. While I'm keeping myself afloat there is no happiness. A friend would change everything. I can't even describe how much it would mean; how greatly my quality of life would improve. But until then I've got my ghosts.